It is amazing how it is always the people that won't work, take care of their kids, that treat people like crap that have everyone catering to them. Take my situation, for example. My husband's Ex-wife (EW) has not worked in seven years. To her, having a job is going to donate plasma twice a week. That is not a job. Then, she has her own apartment, is a ten minute walk from the bus stop but won't find a job because it is too far to walk. Then she walks to the plasma center but has to walk past the bus stop to get there. She claims my stepdaughter on her benefits so she can get medical on herself and my stepdaughter, food stamps and government housing. Now stepdaughter lives with EW but when EW gets tired of dealing with her or tired of playing "mom" she sends her back to live with us. Here is the kicker. No matter how many time we would tell her to have SD taken off of her benefits she refuses to. EW had SD on her benefits even when SD was living with us. MIL told us that she had to pay her bills somehow. DH told MIL that EW legs were not broken and that she could get a job and work just like we do.
Then there is where she is living. She lives in a housing project. We just found out that everytime that SD comes to stay for the weekend (she stays next door at MIL's) EW has people in and out of her apartment. Most of these people EW doesn't even know. The last weekend that SD was here, she stated to me that I was the reason for her mother never being there for her. I was the one that put up with EW trying to break up my marriage so her mom could live with us rent free to get her to be there for her kids. And then half the time EW would be out with her "flavor of the week." But I am the reason.
You don't know how horrible it feels to watch a child go from calling you mom because you are the only one there for her and her brother to being told that she wishes you would die because her mom has filled her with lies. SD was a good kid when she was with us but then after she goes back to her mom she turns just evil. She has two little sisters that she is mean to. She pushes them around and smacks them. Then when I get on to her about it she starts in on me. DH tells her to stop and punishes her but then when she goes back to her mother, she is told that she doesn't have to listen to us. We have custody of her. Not her mother so she doesn't realize that we can come get her anytime we want and that her mother can't do anything about it. Too bad EW doesn't just pack her things and move back to Oregon where she came from.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Frustration
I live like every normal person out there. I work 40+ hours a week trying to support my family. We struggling to make ends meet, staying stressed about the bills, not just worrying about getting the bills paid but paid before cutoff. Surprising, that is not what is frustrating to me.
What is frustrating is that I bust my butt every day working a job through a temp agency making $9 an hour doing a $16 an hour job because there are not that many jobs out there. Then have to live with the fact of knowing that my husband’s ex is living in government housing, getting medical, food stamps, and having her rent paid by the state just because she has one of her kids living with her. We have custody but that is where my stepdaughter wanted to be. She doesn’t do anything for her son that still lives with us and when stepdaughter needs something it is either us or my in-laws have to get it for her. Her mother does nothing, has all of her bills paid for her, has medical and doesn’t have to work or do anything for her kids while I work fort next to nothing and stress about bills. How is that fair. I think that to get benefits there has to be at least one adult in the home working but it doesn’t work like that.
Don’t get me wrong, we are on food stamps and my husband and the kids are all on medical. He works construction and his work is pretty slow right now which puts more stress on me. He qualifies for medical and so do the kids and his ex even has medical but I work and pay my bills and can’t get medical. Because I work more than 30 hours a week I don’t qualify for it but if I don’t work more than 30 hours I can’t pay my bills. How is that fair.
It kills me that my mother-in-law even said that she could understand why the ex-wife doesn’t work because she has not car. When we lived down the street from her, we didn’t have a car, he was getting a ride to work with a friend and I was riding the bus back and forth to work and to school. She is no better than I am. She can take the bus and get a job like everyone else. It would do no good to get my stepdaughter back up here with us and take her to court for child support. We have to file injured spouse form with our taxes every year for back child support that was not paid because the kids were living with us and we were not going to pay her for the kids living with us and still be supporting the kids. The child support office tells him that he still owes for benefits that she received. We file taxes at the beginning of February and it is May before we get it. Then we only get half because they give it to her. We would lose more money going back and forth to court trying to get her to get a job and pay the child support than we would getting the payments. It is not worth the loss in income from the time missed at work. She would not pay it anyways. She would just call my mother-in-law and tattle to her like she does every time she does not get her way. We called her and asked her one day to take my stepson (her son) to his doctor appointment so that I would not have to borrow someone’s car to get to work so that hubby can have our van to take him. She told me that getting him to the doctor was not her problem. How is that not her problem? He is her son. Then a week later has my stepdaughter call wanting us to drive 40 minutes one way to take her five minutes down the road. But we are wrong for not dropping everything to come to her service. How is it that we have to come there to do for the child that is living with her but she doesn’t have to do anything for her child that lives with us?
I am so tired of the double standard. My husband didn’t make these kids by himself. She even has a son in California that she has not seen in over ten years. She says that she is their mother and I am not but I do more for the kids than she does. Then I have to hear from my stepdaughter that I was the reason that her mother was never there for her. The only way that we could get her mother TO be there for her was to let her move in and then she was trying to break up my marriage by feeding my husband full of lies and getting us arguing. He finally realized what she was doing and kicked her out and even more problems started. Sometimes I wish that she would just pack up and move back to Oregon where she came from and leave everyone alone. But life cannot be that easy.
I know that I am rambling but it just kills me that she can sit on her butt not work while I am stressing about bills and working my butt off. She tells us that she has a job. She says that she works for two hours a week donating plasma. I told her that is not a job. I told her that is something for people that just need a few extra dollars and that she needs to find a job. I told her that when she works the hours that I do and deals with the stress that I do every day then she could talk but until then she I didn’t want to hear from her that she is stressed. The only thing that she is stressed about is the 22 year old that she is seeing staying sober long enough to do something for her. She is 38 and still won’t work and still messing with someone that is about the same age as her oldest son. How messed up is she. She told me one day that I was jealous of her. What is there to be jealous of? I have a job, a home, and a van that is paid for. I am about 50 pounds lighter than her. I have her ex-husband and have managed to keep him and I have custody of her kids. What is there to be jealous of?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Horrible feeling
There is not feeling more horrible to a woman than to know that you spent all of these years taking care of someone else's kids, being the "mom" in their lives just to be completely disregarded like yesterdays trash. I did that. I was the one in the bleachers at the football games watching one cheer and the other play while nine months pregnant having contractions when you are supposed to be on bed rest because of complications in your pregnancy to be there for the kids because their mother thought her boyfriend was more important. It was not their mother that was at the parent/teacher conferences when they were having trouble in school. It was me taking them to the doctors appointments and doing every thing that a mother was supposed to be doing.
Then to have to listen to them tell me that I was the reason that she was not there for them. The only way that we could get her to be there for the kids was to provide a roof over her head and even then we were still having to pay a sitter so that we could work because she would never stay at home with them. She would go off with her boyfriend and would not help with them at all. Then while she still had custody, we would kick her out and she would pick the kids up at school the next day and take off with them. She would keep them from us until she had something that she wanted to do and she needed someone to keep the kids. Then, she would just leave them with us. She would then get back to her old ways and they would be lucky to hear from her once a week.
When they would see her we would have so many problems out of them and it was stressful on all of us. But if they would go more than a couple of days without any contact things would be great with them. But then as soon as they get into a routine she would come back and disrupt things all over again.
Even when I was pregnant with both my little girls. As soon as it got close enough to start having contractions here she would come starting any argument that she could getting me upset and causing us problems. She would pull a power trip any chance she got.
Then about two years ago, she was living with us and would not find a job. We finally kicked her out and she ran off with my stepdaughter. She took off with her and when she came to get the rest of her things she locked the door to pack and then took off like a bat out of hell getting out of the house. While she was leaving, I checked the bedroom that she shared with my stepdaughter and discovered that she had both her things and my stepdaughter's. We knew that she was hiding out at her best friend's house but she would never let us know where the house was. So we called the police. The custody papers state that she has visitation every other weekend. She saw the kids the previous weekend because she was living there. The police told us that there was nothing that they could do because it was her visitation weekend and we argued that. The officer told us that if she didn't bring her back by the time that the visitation was over then to call them and they could take care of it.
She didn't bring her back. We called the police back and then they told us that if we knew where she was that they could follow us to go get her. I told them that if we knew where they were that we would not need them to follow us that we could go get her ourselves. They told us that unless we knew where they were that they could not help us. I asked about filing a kidnapping report because she didn't have permission to have my stepdaughter and they told us that they could not do that. That night we saw on the news a report where a custodial grandparent reported her grandchild missing when the non-custodial parent took offf with them. We were told we could not do that.
A few days later we found out from a friend of her's that she had taken my stepdaughter to a shelter. We called all of the numbers for the shelters that we could find asking if we could fax a picture of them with the copy of the custody papers could they call the police and let them know if she was there because I knew that they could not tell us where they were to keep the other women there safe. They would not agree to that but told me that we could have a police officer call and that they could tell the officer. We called the police again and was told that they could not call for us unless we had a contempt order filed. I thought that us having papers stating that we had custody and that her visitation was over that was enough to show that she was in contempt? I guess I was wrong. Then DFACS shows up at our house stating that a report was filed on my husband that he was physically abusive to me. They came in and investigated and saw that it was not true. Then the case worker stated that the person that filed the report stated that she and the child were in a shelter and that she and the child were kicked out of the home. She was the only one that was kicked out of the home and we had just found out that she was in a shelter. That told us that it was her that filed it but to this day she still swears up and down that she was not the one that did it. She tells us that it was her friend that filed it. I know better but with her and my in-laws what can I do?
Well, that is my rant for tonight. It is not an easy road to deal with. I feel like someone has just ran over me and is sitting on my heart. I put everything into this family to make sure that no matter what the kids had a mother-figure there just to get tossed out in the mud. It is a horrible way to feel. I know in my heart that someday the kids will realize what all we have gone through for them but until then...this is my release.
Then to have to listen to them tell me that I was the reason that she was not there for them. The only way that we could get her to be there for the kids was to provide a roof over her head and even then we were still having to pay a sitter so that we could work because she would never stay at home with them. She would go off with her boyfriend and would not help with them at all. Then while she still had custody, we would kick her out and she would pick the kids up at school the next day and take off with them. She would keep them from us until she had something that she wanted to do and she needed someone to keep the kids. Then, she would just leave them with us. She would then get back to her old ways and they would be lucky to hear from her once a week.
When they would see her we would have so many problems out of them and it was stressful on all of us. But if they would go more than a couple of days without any contact things would be great with them. But then as soon as they get into a routine she would come back and disrupt things all over again.
Even when I was pregnant with both my little girls. As soon as it got close enough to start having contractions here she would come starting any argument that she could getting me upset and causing us problems. She would pull a power trip any chance she got.
Then about two years ago, she was living with us and would not find a job. We finally kicked her out and she ran off with my stepdaughter. She took off with her and when she came to get the rest of her things she locked the door to pack and then took off like a bat out of hell getting out of the house. While she was leaving, I checked the bedroom that she shared with my stepdaughter and discovered that she had both her things and my stepdaughter's. We knew that she was hiding out at her best friend's house but she would never let us know where the house was. So we called the police. The custody papers state that she has visitation every other weekend. She saw the kids the previous weekend because she was living there. The police told us that there was nothing that they could do because it was her visitation weekend and we argued that. The officer told us that if she didn't bring her back by the time that the visitation was over then to call them and they could take care of it.
She didn't bring her back. We called the police back and then they told us that if we knew where she was that they could follow us to go get her. I told them that if we knew where they were that we would not need them to follow us that we could go get her ourselves. They told us that unless we knew where they were that they could not help us. I asked about filing a kidnapping report because she didn't have permission to have my stepdaughter and they told us that they could not do that. That night we saw on the news a report where a custodial grandparent reported her grandchild missing when the non-custodial parent took offf with them. We were told we could not do that.
A few days later we found out from a friend of her's that she had taken my stepdaughter to a shelter. We called all of the numbers for the shelters that we could find asking if we could fax a picture of them with the copy of the custody papers could they call the police and let them know if she was there because I knew that they could not tell us where they were to keep the other women there safe. They would not agree to that but told me that we could have a police officer call and that they could tell the officer. We called the police again and was told that they could not call for us unless we had a contempt order filed. I thought that us having papers stating that we had custody and that her visitation was over that was enough to show that she was in contempt? I guess I was wrong. Then DFACS shows up at our house stating that a report was filed on my husband that he was physically abusive to me. They came in and investigated and saw that it was not true. Then the case worker stated that the person that filed the report stated that she and the child were in a shelter and that she and the child were kicked out of the home. She was the only one that was kicked out of the home and we had just found out that she was in a shelter. That told us that it was her that filed it but to this day she still swears up and down that she was not the one that did it. She tells us that it was her friend that filed it. I know better but with her and my in-laws what can I do?
Well, that is my rant for tonight. It is not an easy road to deal with. I feel like someone has just ran over me and is sitting on my heart. I put everything into this family to make sure that no matter what the kids had a mother-figure there just to get tossed out in the mud. It is a horrible way to feel. I know in my heart that someday the kids will realize what all we have gone through for them but until then...this is my release.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
My story
I married my husband ten years ago and started helping raise my two stepkids. They are now 15 and 13 and we have two little girls together that are 6 and 5. During these ten years of marriage, it has not been easy. Not only was there the stress of getting used to being a new wife and starting my family but also taking care of my stepkids. Then there is dealing with the ex-wife. That has not been easy at all.
Most couples live in their own homes so that they can get away from the ex but when you have to deal with an ex that would not work and was homeless, you feel like you have to do whatever it takes to make sure that the kids are taken care of so there was a period of about seven years where she lived with us off and on because she would not work and she had custody of the kids (on paper) and would take off with the kids anytime that she didn't get her way. We wanted them to be stable.
After a few years we took her to court and was awarded custody because she didn't have a stable place to live. We told the judge that she was not an unfit mother but that she just was not in a position at that time to take care of them and it would be easier for her to get on her feet if it were just her and this way the kids were with us and taken care of. It was put in the custody papers that she was to have visitation every other weekend but she didn't see them. She would only be there for them if she was living with us. Not only was she sponging off of us but she was trying to come in between my husband and I. She was doing everything that she could to start fights with him and I. She would tell me that he was still her husband and that she was the first wife and would always come first.
Fast forward to present day. She is living in her own apartment, not working, living off of benefits that she is getting claiming my stepdaughter. My husband let her move in with her mother a couple of years ago and after a few months she called us to come get stepdaughter because she could not control her. She lived with us for about a year and she never gave us many problems. She would pitch the occasional fit and one night she told us that she wanted to be with her mother. My husband told her to call her mother and that she had an hour to get here to get her and if she did then stepdaughter could move with her but if not then she was going to shut up and quit pitching these fits. She called her mother and her mother told her that she could not come get her.
There have been so many times where stepdaughter would disrespect me and my husband and when we get on to her, she calls her mother and her mother calls me and threatens to come to my house and jump me because I got on to her daughter. I tell her everytime to bring it on and she never shows up and then calls a few days later telling me that I don't need to be telling her daughter what to do. I don't remember her being there at the parent/teacher conferences with me while I was there for "her" daughter being nine months pregnant. I don't remember her being in the bleachers at my stepson's football games or stepdaughters games where she was cheering and helping pay for any of it while I was there having contractions in the stands. I was the one that was there doing all of it while her mother was putting her boyfriends first.
Well, she is back with her mother. She came up this weekend wanting her daddy to help her make a guitar for a school project. He spent all day helping her make it and even bought the materials to make it. He even took her shopping. Then she starts screaming at her daddy that night telling him that she wished he would die and that the only one that cares about her is her mother. The same mother that was never there for her. She started telling him that he doesn't love her and that she only has one parent and that he never does anything for her. I told her that he does love her and that he was the one not only putting a roof over her head all of these years but putting a roof over her mother's head too because she would not work. She started yelling at me telling me that I better not talk about her mother like that.
Then later she posted on Myspace calling her father names and telling everyone that all that she wants is a father that loves her. I commented on there that he does love her but that he doesn't know how to have a relationship with her. Then she commented back to me telling me that I need to keep my mouth out of it and that it doesn't concern me. I told her that I was not going to stand by and let her disrespect her daddy like after how he has catered to her this weekend. her grandmother took her back to her mother's house today and I am expecting a phone call from her mother telling me the usual about that I don't need to be talking to her daughter like that and that she is going to come jump me. We will see what these next few days hold.
I will update this blog as often as I can with issues that a normal second wife goes through in the hopes that it will help show other second wives that they are not alone. There will never be names but will be details of events. Thanks for listening.
Most couples live in their own homes so that they can get away from the ex but when you have to deal with an ex that would not work and was homeless, you feel like you have to do whatever it takes to make sure that the kids are taken care of so there was a period of about seven years where she lived with us off and on because she would not work and she had custody of the kids (on paper) and would take off with the kids anytime that she didn't get her way. We wanted them to be stable.
After a few years we took her to court and was awarded custody because she didn't have a stable place to live. We told the judge that she was not an unfit mother but that she just was not in a position at that time to take care of them and it would be easier for her to get on her feet if it were just her and this way the kids were with us and taken care of. It was put in the custody papers that she was to have visitation every other weekend but she didn't see them. She would only be there for them if she was living with us. Not only was she sponging off of us but she was trying to come in between my husband and I. She was doing everything that she could to start fights with him and I. She would tell me that he was still her husband and that she was the first wife and would always come first.
Fast forward to present day. She is living in her own apartment, not working, living off of benefits that she is getting claiming my stepdaughter. My husband let her move in with her mother a couple of years ago and after a few months she called us to come get stepdaughter because she could not control her. She lived with us for about a year and she never gave us many problems. She would pitch the occasional fit and one night she told us that she wanted to be with her mother. My husband told her to call her mother and that she had an hour to get here to get her and if she did then stepdaughter could move with her but if not then she was going to shut up and quit pitching these fits. She called her mother and her mother told her that she could not come get her.
There have been so many times where stepdaughter would disrespect me and my husband and when we get on to her, she calls her mother and her mother calls me and threatens to come to my house and jump me because I got on to her daughter. I tell her everytime to bring it on and she never shows up and then calls a few days later telling me that I don't need to be telling her daughter what to do. I don't remember her being there at the parent/teacher conferences with me while I was there for "her" daughter being nine months pregnant. I don't remember her being in the bleachers at my stepson's football games or stepdaughters games where she was cheering and helping pay for any of it while I was there having contractions in the stands. I was the one that was there doing all of it while her mother was putting her boyfriends first.
Well, she is back with her mother. She came up this weekend wanting her daddy to help her make a guitar for a school project. He spent all day helping her make it and even bought the materials to make it. He even took her shopping. Then she starts screaming at her daddy that night telling him that she wished he would die and that the only one that cares about her is her mother. The same mother that was never there for her. She started telling him that he doesn't love her and that she only has one parent and that he never does anything for her. I told her that he does love her and that he was the one not only putting a roof over her head all of these years but putting a roof over her mother's head too because she would not work. She started yelling at me telling me that I better not talk about her mother like that.
Then later she posted on Myspace calling her father names and telling everyone that all that she wants is a father that loves her. I commented on there that he does love her but that he doesn't know how to have a relationship with her. Then she commented back to me telling me that I need to keep my mouth out of it and that it doesn't concern me. I told her that I was not going to stand by and let her disrespect her daddy like after how he has catered to her this weekend. her grandmother took her back to her mother's house today and I am expecting a phone call from her mother telling me the usual about that I don't need to be talking to her daughter like that and that she is going to come jump me. We will see what these next few days hold.
I will update this blog as often as I can with issues that a normal second wife goes through in the hopes that it will help show other second wives that they are not alone. There will never be names but will be details of events. Thanks for listening.
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